Kine News January-March 2017

Another Quiet Month for the Phobophobia Killer
Has fear itself decided to take a break? Though apparently the police have received a hot tip about who might be responsible. Let's hope they manage to catch him before he kills again!

Envious Rats
Online activist and street 'artist' wØke continues to vandalise buildings belonging to prominent businesses in Norwich, with murals of 'fat cats' being eaten by rats. Ralph Toppes, Managing Director of The Mustard Group, which has been a repeat target for wØke's illegal activities, had this to say: "We respect the right to free speech, and the commentary activists like wØke provide is incredibly valuable in raising awareness of current issues. For this reason, we have not removed wØke's latest work from our building at this time, though due to a long-planned renovation, we will unfortunately soon have to do so. However, I would urge people who feel that wØke is their only voice to consider getting involved in a more sustained way, in local politics or charity work: it takes more than slogans and graffiti to enact real change on the world."

Toppes, who is a fixture at local fundraisers and charity drives, is concerned that targeting individual companies like The Mustard Group risks losing sight of bigger, more immediate concerns. "The Mustard Group isn't some multi-national conglomerate," he says. "This company was built from the ashes of Norwich after the devastation of World War Two, built by good, hard-working Norfolkians. We have historically been a huge part of the local community and wish to continue that work in the future, though if wØke has suggestions on how we can do so better, they are more than welcome to make an appointment so we can really get into these issues in a meaningful way."

Local businesses have also expressed concerns at the association between these so-called activists and high-level tech crimes occurring in Norfolk. The cyber-attack on Broads Bank has led many to question the motive behind these groups. The newly-appointed head of the Norfolk Specialist Cybercrime unit, Thalia Lang, says, "Anyone who believes that these people are Robin Hood and his Merry Men need to think again. Provocative graffiti and vandalism are a smokescreen for their illegal activities, which hurt the local economy and damage businesses. The redistribution of wealth actually requires some redistribution, after all."

Kidnap Gangs At Large in Norwich?
The recent rise in missing persons reports has led some to speculate on whether or not gangs of kidnappers are currently operating in Norwich. While these have been an issue in other cities such as London and Birmingham in the past Norwich appears to have avoided their attentions, at least until now.

The Norwich Constabularly have assured us that every possible measure is being taken to get to the bottom of the case, and while they won’t rule out that these organised gangs may have taken root in the city they have stressed that it’s too early too tell.

Oh Em Gee
Actor and troubled heart-throb Carbry Ryle has been continuing his downward spiral into violence and drug-use, reportedly asked to leave the set of his latest film when he showed up drunk and verbally attacked his co-star. Things looked bad when, like a knight in shining armour, socialite Bryce Villiers decided that enough was enough. Villiers has reportedly taken Ryle under his wing, though he will not comment publicly on the exact nature of their relationship. When asked whether he is building a 'squad', he gave one of those infuriatingly dreamy smiles and said, "All of us find ourselves in a dark place sometimes. I've been there myself, a very long time ago now, so I know how important it is to have friends to help guide you back to yourself. I was lucky enough to find my own way, but I would hate to see an artist with such promise burn out before he's realised his potential, especially after the kind of cruelty he has suffered."

Villiers is referring to Ryle's role in the now-infamous film Magnum Opus, an independently-produced horror film by local director Mark Kowalski plagued by rumours of abusive conditions.

Environmental News
Officers from the Health and Safety Executive, Environment Agency and the Local Planning Offices have all stated the the area known colloquially as ‘The Paper Towns’ should be avoided at all costs for the foreseeable future. This is following a lengthy investigation into the high number of accidents and two missing persons reports that were filed following the revival of the long abandoned project.

While none of the officers involved in the investigation were available to talk at time of press, they have stated that there is no risk to Norwich or its citizens provided they don’t enter the area. No word on just what’s happening though we have been assured that every possible avenue of investigation is being followed, including possible contamination of the area through illegal industrial waste dumping which may have contributed to the issues at hand.